Nu vrei sa te vad?

And I know you probably wish you never met me and I wish you never forget me

It was written to my mother .

You fool. That wasn’t about you. You’re so naive.

In sfirsit am scapat de “obiceiul” de a ma gindi la tine mai mereu. Dar mi te bagi si in somn. A 4 noapte ,a 4 dimineata cind ma trezesc si primele zece minute tre’ sa stau si sa te alung. Vreau sa dispari,vreau sa ma lasi in pace. Mai am putin si plec,departe de tine si scap. Chiar daca nu vreau . Esti superficiala si monotona. Vad in tine numai mindrie si egoism. Prostie si minciuni. Esti persoana care o urasc cel mai tare. Te urasc pentru ca mi-ai stricat mintea si imi stric corpul. Nu esti fiinta umana,esti un soare care nu-i trebuie nimanui ,care pirjoleste fara mila si usuca tot. Nu mai vreau sa te vad niciodata. Mi-ai dat viata ,dar de ce ? Daca mi-o iai. M-ai lasat singur,fara nimic si nimeni. Te urasc. 

I think of you. All the time.I think of the way you talk, laugh and look into my eyes.I think of your words, your smile and your glances.I think of you, how you look at others, whether you look at me differently.Whether you look at me as if I was special and not just anyone.I think of the feeling of being touched by you, when you hold me and I can let go everything else.Whether it means as much to you as it means to me. I think of the feeling when you talk to someone else and I’m next to you. Whether this person means much to you, how much.I think about you, telling me that you like me.That I’m nice, brave and a great person.That you want to help me, want to consider my feelings. Telling me that I’m nearly always walking straight, even though I’ve got a heavy cross to carry.Do you mean what you say?Do you tell these words to others? Flatter them with your silky voice and make them melt, make them cry?Do you pierce through the concrete they covered their hearts with as easily as you pierce through mine?I think of jealousy. An ugly word for an ugly feeling. But I can’t change it.I’d really like to laugh as much as everyone else does. I’m trying hard, I’m trying for you.

Because you said you love my smile :)

As I sit here in the peaceful calm of the night, listening to the gentle tapping of the rain on the windows, I’m thinking about you. The usual worries and self-loathing that intrude my thoughts and leave me feeling uneasy are absent. You are in my thoughts, a welcome presence there. This is a beautiful feeling. It’s not a want for you, or anyone, or anything for that matter. It’s not a want, but an appreciation of absence. An appreciation that I can miss you, that I know you. I could have just as easily not known you, but I do, and I’m thankful. What we have is not a guarantee, but I feel that I must not hold back, regardless. Not once have you taken anything from me, in any sense, as most do. You only have love to give. As do I.

So, on this night, I’m thinking about you. I think about laying with you and feeling the rise and fall of your chest, your heartbeat, against my body. When there is nothing but that moment, me and you, existing together, at the same time and same place.

I’m thinking about you, and it is sweet, it is sublime.


14.04.2012